oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
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So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
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You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
be right there i have to get my cape
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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