I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
