Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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