I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
