If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
