Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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