So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We left the knife in your bed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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