Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
