Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
