When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
