I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
