i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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