Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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