tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
