he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
