dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
