what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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