i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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