Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
