in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
