My sheets look like a crime scene.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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