Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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