yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
