So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
