Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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