Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
