Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
