Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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