Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
