Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
