you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
