Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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