All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
