i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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