I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
