she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
