Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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