you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
