I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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