Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
