we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
