a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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