$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
