I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
