I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
