So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
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Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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