I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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