The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
