We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
