tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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