wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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