I think my fart just growled at me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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