I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
