if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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