i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
