He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
