M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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