remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
