I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
