I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
