I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
