sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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