Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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