If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
