Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
