So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
