it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
pray to the hookup gods
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
