okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
