By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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