i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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