Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
