I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
