He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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