Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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